A Mutt

I feel like a mutt, a little bit of everything today. I am nervous, scared, happy, apprehensive and the list goes on.

I'll start out with the happy part.. Baby Bee flutters, yes movement at 14 weeks (actually 13), pretty amazing. I didn't feel Harrison first kicks until I was 17 weeks. I saw the doctor today and Bee's heart rate was a steady 145. During listening we heard a loud kick and the doctor laughed and said, "I even felt that one."  I can't wait until these flutters turn into steady kicks...hands down my favorite part of being pregnant.

June 12... It's marked down and circled on my calender. This is our big ultra sound. I am so excited, when we were pregnant with Harrison our hospital didn't have 3D capabilities like they do now; I can't wait for these images. We are also the people that can't wait until November to find out the gender. This will be a perfect birthday present to me as I turn another year younger that day as well.

May 25...Surgery has been scheduled. It's a routine, out patient...but why doesn't this make me feel any better? I do, but I then I don't. We are doing the cerclage on a preventive, elective basis...which means, yes this is our choice. My primary doctor gave me mixed feelings today again as to if he is on board with us or not since there is no clear cut reasoning for Harrison's prematurity. The specialist we saw said a cerclage is an option, she has never done one that she has regretted doing. I feel pulled in so many directions. If we didn't do the cerclage I couldn't live with the guilt of not having done something more I could have, but the cerclage has risks and by far it's no guarantee and can not prevent preterm labor,  it can only help with cervical insufficiency.

When it comes down to it...we are doing the surgery, I just wish I had the extra security by my doctor that we are making the right choice. The problem with this, is that there is no right choice and maybe that's why he isn't for or against it or from what I can tell.

Today I had labs drawn for surgery next week and spoke with a pre-opt nurse about surgery. Right now I am the first patient for Friday. As far as anesthesia...I won't know what I am getting for the procedure until I get there and they decide...they might do a spinal/epidural or completely under.

I am looking forward to having this behind us and start not being so scared, if that is possible. Everyday that passes is one more day closer to the due date.